Get personal, just don’t take it personally.

I shot this self-portrait 9 days after I got my EOS 500D, James.

Looking at this photo, I found it funny how the only time I can look directly into the camera lens is when a part of my face is covered. This relates to my own apprehension that impacts my choice of photograpy subjects. I tell myself that I prefer inanimate objects instead of humans. One day, my unconscious mind asked back, “what IS it about humans that make you avoid them as subjects?”

My answer? I avoided photographing humans because I abhorred being photographed myself. That linked with a deep-seated feeling that I never belonged anywhere, with anyone. As a child I looked different from my cousins. When my mother implied that I lack grace, very much like a bull in a china shop, I believed it. I had been a chit-chatty little girl, until I was admonished with “little children should be seen & not heard”. I hid in closets & cupboards and scribbled in my note book, conducting conversations in my head where everyone around me would pay rapt attention to what I said. In my teens, my mother reminded me many times that the appropriate time for me to join a conversation would be when I have my own family.

I’ve realised how this has impacted me as an adult. I was slow to suggest or give opinions for fear of being rejected, not included, and ridiculed. I agreed with the majority even though personally I know there was a better solution. I also shied away from portraiture photography because I convinced myself that I’d just be intruding the potential subjects. I had masked my fear of connecting with a warped rationale preferring buildings to people.

I have been moving forward since 2 years ago, post NLP certification, when I achieved breakthrough. And now, I’m ready to be more aware of the beauty of moving forward and explore. More specifically, to explore the interesting world of portraiture photography. My beloved buildings can wait 🙂

Picture taken 9 June ’09, EOS 500D 18-55mm kit lens, f/5.6, 1/4sec, ISO1600, focal length 49mm.

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