You are a consultant when…

  1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant’s core competencies are.
  2. You refer to catching up with friends as focus group sessions.
  3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
  4. You can spell “paradigm.”
  5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
  6. You understand your airline’s fare structure.
  7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
  8. You think that it’s actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don’t know.
  9. You believe every company is “a traditional functional organization, with promotion based on tenure, but one that needs to change as it is facing ever increasing competition…”
  10. You believe that a company’s problems are never caused by an “ineffective handling of an administrative situation.”
  11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just “issues” and “improvement opportunities.”
  12. You know every single piece of clip art in PowerPoint.
  13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as “highly leveraged” as opposed to “in debt.”
  14. You can explain to somebody the difference between “re-engineering,” “down-sizing,” “right-sizing,” and “firing people’s asses.”
  15. You actually believe your explanations of the above.
  16. You refer to your previous life as “my sunk cost.”
  17. Your three meals a day are a morning consumption function, a noontime consumption function, and an evening consumption function.
  18. You refer to your significant other as “my co-CEO.”
  19. You refer to your parents as “HQ”
  20. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert’s boss.
  21. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
  22. None of your favorite publications have cartoons.
  23. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child.
  24. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity.
  25. You always call your mechanic before you start your car to see if it will blow up given the day’s weather conditions and expect him to use a decision tree to work it out.
  26. You’ve decided the only way to afford a house is to call your fellow alumni and offer to name a room after them, if they’ll help with the down payment.
  27. Your “deliverable” for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills
  28. You use the term “value-added” without falling down laughing.
  29. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection —- AND my personal favorite :
  30. You can say “low hanging fruit” with a straight face.

Thanks to http://freefunnyjokes.blogspot.com for the idea.

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2 thoughts on “You are a consultant when…

  1. Thanks John – you cheered me up too by dropping by. Today happened to be one of those days…MONDAYITIS! I don’t normally suffer from them, though…

    See you again soon,
    faz

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